Scott Wozniak: Hey all, Scott here! You know you’re happy when you have 200 NES games to cry to.

[The camera zooms out to show that his desk is covered in NES game cartridges]

Scott: I don’t need companionship. I’ve been a human being for 21 years; why would a 23-year-old need another human in their life? It’s a one-man job being alive- I don’t need two. Of course, in terms of life goals, I’d love to be an uncle! Problem is - I’m an only child, so the only way I can do that is by marrying somebody with a nephew. ...That’s how they getcha. It’s not like I have trouble doing anything like that. I’m more of a recreational virgin anyways - I can get married whenever I want. Watch.

[Scott picks up his telephone from the desk]

911 Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Scott: [desperately] PLEEEASE F*CK ME!

[It cuts to him no longer holding the phone and looking at the camera]

Scott: Okay, I’ll do something.

[The scene changes to Scott now seated on his couch]

Scott: Thank you all for comin’.

[ Rex Mohs, Terry Lesler, and Jerry Attricks are across the room from him. Rex is sitting on the TV stand, wearing a hospital gown. Terry is leaning on the TV and Jerry is sitting in an armchair]

Rex: When I heard you couldn’t get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here.

Scott: Well, I couldn’t imagine anybody else being a part of the “F*ck Scott” task force.

Terry: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way.

Scott: So, is anybody else already fighting in the war against virginity?

Terry: I’m vegan; I’m good.

Jerry: No thanks, I’m stuffed.

Rex: I’m very anti-war.

Terry: Don’t you love virginity?

Rex: I like it, but I’m not a blind fanboy.

Scott: I just need help conquering virginity. I haven’t messaged any girls on Tinder, and I haven’t gotten any responses yet.

Rex: You’re not getting any responses on Tinder? Have you tried telling ‘em how badly you wanna f*ck ‘em?

Terry: Have you considered getting a job?

Jerry: Yeah, that’s a huge turn-on for the girls.

Scott: Aw, damn- I thought they liked eviction notices.

Terry: What we gotta do… is help you give up.

Rex: So, speed dating?

[The camera zooms out, showing Target Employee is sitting next to Rex]

Target Employee: Count me in!

Scott: Who the hell are you?!

Target Employee: Oh, you know my brother! He worked at Wendy’s.

Scott: [quietly] Wendy’s…

[He counts on his fingers]

Scott: Oh, the Wendy’s employee! How’s he doin’?

Target Employee: Oh, yeah, not too good. He’s been dead the past month.

Rex: What the Hell? He didn’t tell us!

Scott: Well, maybe we can speed-date in honor of him, really get the dead on our side.

Rex: Yeah, I’ll give him a call, see if he’s open to it.

[Rex takes out his cellphone and holds it up to the side of his head]

Terry: Yeah, we’ll hand out some coupons, get the whole town to speed-date.

Jerry: Yeah, I think my parents are free.

[It’s silent for a moment. Rex moves the cellphone away from his head.]

Rex: ...He’s not pickin’ up.

[It cuts to Rex and Jerry taping a sign to Scott’s wall above the table. The sign reads “SPEED DATING FOR THE CURE”. It cuts to a hallway, where Target Employee is brushing Scott’s hair]

Scott: Oh, God- speed-dating! I’m so nervous!

[Jerry, Terry and Rex are standing in the entryway to the kitchen]

Rex: Remember, girls really like it when you tell ‘em how desperate and lonely you are.

Jerry: And you gotta get REALLY mad if they don’t wanna f*ck you.

Scott: So, is your brother happy we’re doing this?

[Target Employee briefly looks at his phone screen before looking back at Scott]

Target Employee: Nope. Still dead.

Terry: How is this for charity again?

Scott: I don’t know, but it is a write-off.

Target Employee: So, are we ready to get started here?

Rex: Nobody’s shown up yet-

[Rex looks at his wrist as if he’s wearing a watch, although he actually isn’t]

Rex: -And it’s 6am in 5 minutes, so they better get here quick.

Scott: Oh, God- this isn’t good- What if people start showing up but they don’t like me?!

[Scott points at his forehead]

Scott: Maybe I should wear a hat just in case I start balding during the date...

Terry: Listen, before people start showing up, we should probably get ya some practice.

Scott: Like a driving range!

Jerry: Yeah. But without the flirting.

Terry: First, empty your pockets.

Scott: Aw, man...

[Scott removes the WiiU boxes for Nintendo Land, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, Sing Party, and Skylanders Swap Force from his front and back pockets and tosses them onto the floor. It cuts to the table. Terry sits on the left side and Scott sits on the right]

Terry: Alright, let’s sit down. Anyone on my side’ll be a girl; anyone on this side’ll be—

Scott: Will be horny. Got it.

Terry: Okay, we have 1 minute per date. Let’s see whatcha got.

[A beep is heard. A timer counting down from one minute is now shown in the bottom right corner of the screen]

Scott: Before you ask, why yes, I have killed a man.

Terry: Come on, that’s not in anymore.

Scott: I just wanna be interesting.

Terry: So, whaddya like to do?

[Scott thinks]

Scott: Tap water…?

Terry: Well, to show you a little about myself, here’s a picture of me and my mom.

[Terry hands a small photo to Scott]

Scott: Aw, which one’s you?

[The timer gets to 00:48. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is now sitting on the left side of the table]

Jerry: You got your dental records on you?

[Scott’s hands are slightly red. He searches himself. He pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Jerry]

Scott: Yeah.

[Jerry raises his eyebrows as he reads the paper]

Jerry: Impressive.

Scott: I don’t want somebody who only likes me for my teeth!

Jerry: Most dating is tooth-based these days. Just how it is.

Scott: People are really shallow.

Jerry: Consider it a background check. For example, do you have a death certificate?

[Scott searches himself. He doesn’t find anything and looks back to Jerry]

Scott: Sorry, not yet.

Jerry: Good! I’m not f*cking a ghost again!

[The timer gets to 00:41. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Rex sits down on the left]

Rex: Alright, I got-

[He claps his hands together]

Rex: -seven words for ya: I will f*ck anything with a face.

[Scott looks to his left, to his right, and then back at Rex. He points at himself. His hands are slightly more red]

Scott: ...Me?

[Rex starts twitching]

Rex: UHH- I CAN’T KEEP THIS UP! ALRIGHT?! DON’T HAVE SEX! The world doesn’t need it!

Scott: I HAVE to get laid! I think it’ll bump up my credit score.

Rex: If you get laid, who else is not gonna get laid?!

Scott: ...You! You hate sex!

Rex: But I don’t wanna hate sex alone…! I need somebody who shares my interests.

Scott: Sounds like you need to speed-date.

[Scott points at him. The timer gets to 00:37. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Scott sits down on the left side. He holds out his hand to shake. His hands are even more red]

Scott: Hi, John Female, woman on the prowl.

Rex: Rex Mohs, school dance historian and chaperone.

Scott: Wow, you chaperone school dances? That’s so cool! I wish somebody could chaperone the whole city!

Rex: Damn! You hate sex too?! Wanna f*ck?

[The timer gets to 00:48. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Terry is sitting on the right]

Terry: You ever f*ck a vegan?

Scott: Haha, I get that reference- I too use words.

Terry: So, whaddya like to do?

Scott: Speed-date.

[The timer gets to 00:55. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is now sitting on the righ