Recent reviews by товарищ Сталин

DO YOU THINK THIS GAME IS NERD ♥♥♥♥? DO YOU THINK THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WOULD WANT TO PLAY THIS ARE CHEESY LITTLE ♥♥♥♥♥ LOOKING AT 40 WHILE PAINTING THEIR MODELS OF THE ENTERPRISE? NO SHUT UP ♥♥♥♥ YOU! LET ME TELL YOU THREE REASONS WHY THIS GAME IS THE MANLIEST ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ THING ON THE FACE OF THIS WORLD YOU PIECE OF ♥♥♥♥!

1) ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ EXPLOSIONS IN SPACE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LOOK AT THESE LASERS COMING OFF MY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ FIRE ALL PHASERS YOU DISGUSTING BLUE ♥♥♥♥!

2) YOU CAN STAFF YOUR BRIDGE ENTIRELY WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL BLUE GREEN AND PURPLE WAIFUS YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LONELY ♥♥♥♥!

3) OH GOD THESE STORIES WHY CAN'T I HOLD ALL THIS INTRIGUE MY GOD STOP STABBING EACH OTHER IN THE BACKS YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥!

IF YOU DON'T LIKE TREK, THEN YOUR FAMILY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ HATES YOU!

HEY YOU CHEESY LITTLE ♥♥♥♥! REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MOUNT AND BLADE? WELL ♥♥♥♥ ALL THOSE PANSY-ASS WORDS! BECAUSE WARBAND BLOWS THEIR PROLAPSED RECTUMS OUT OF THE WATER! NOT ONLY CAN YOU STILL RUN DOWN FILTHY DIRTY PEASANTS AND CRUSH THEIR BONES AND THEIR DREAMS UNDER YOUR HORSES HOOVES, BUT YOU CAN PURSUE YOUR OWN MEDIEVAL WAIFU OR HUSBANDO TO ADORE YOU FROM THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SIDELINES!

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU CAN WAVE YOUR LORDLY ♥♥♥♥ IN THE FACE OF OTHER PLAYERS ONLINE AS YOU STORM THEIR KEEP AND ♥♥♥♥ THEIR ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ALL IN THE SAFETY OF CYBERSPACE YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ NERD! GET SOME!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ BUY THIS GAME! EVER PLAY TOTAL WAR? ♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥! YOUR TROOPS CAN'T FIGHT A NEWBORN KITTIN IN A WET PAPER BAG IN THAT GAME! THAT'S WHY YOU KEPT THINKING TO YOURSELF, "♥♥♥♥ DAWG! IF I WERE DOWN THERE, I'D TOTALLY BE PUNTING ♥♥♥♥♥ LEFT AND RIGHT!"

WELL LET YOUR ♥♥♥♥-PUNTERY BE MERELY SPOKEN NO LONGER! MARVEL AS YOU CHOOSE FROM THE MANY SKILLSETS OF ASSWHOOPIN'. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE A SWORD AND BOARD SADIST, A BOW AND ARROW SADIST, A LANCE AND MOUNT SADIST, A CROSSBOW SADIST, A KNIFE-LOBBING SPEAR-CHUCKING MANIAC, OR A COMBINATION OF ANY OF THESE LIKE SOME GOONED OUT GUN LOBBYIST!

IF YOU DON'T ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ BUY THIS GAME, IT'S LIKE DECLARING YOURSELF A LESSER HUMAN BEING WITH QUESTIONABLE PARENTAGE!

♥♥♥♥!

YOU WANT ACTION? YOU WANT STRATEGY? YOU WANT GIGANTIC ROMANTIC BATTLES WHOSE SCALE RIVALS THAT OF YOUR MOTHER? WELL SIT THE ♥♥♥♥ DOWN AND SHUT YOUR ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MOUTH, SALLY MAE! BECAUSE THIS IS THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ GAME FOR YOU!

YOU CAN PLAY AS THE RED XENOPHOBIC PRICKS, THE BLUE XENOPHOBIC PRICKS, OR THE GREEN XENOPHOBIC PRICKS IN THEIR QUEST TO DOMINATE EVERYONE THAT ISN'T A GLORIOUS PROGENITOR OF ROMULUS! WITNESS AS YOU CAN ♥♥♥♥ YOUR WIFE AND HAVE HER ♥♥♥♥ OUT SOME CROTCH-FRUIT TO RULE YOUR EMPIRE WHEN YOU BECOME A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ WHITHERED OLD HUSK OF AN OLD MAN AND DIE! TREMBLE AS YOUR ARMIES FACE DOWN HORRIFYING BROWN PEOPLE ON TOP OF ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ELEPHANTS! AND LEARN TO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MANAGE YOUR CITIES OR YOUR INCOMPETANT INBRED NEPHEW WILL ♥♥♥♥ OVER THE ENTIRE EASTERN PROVINCE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF THE LADYBOYS!

JUST PLAY THIS ♥♥♥♥ ALREADY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I nominated this game for The "Test of Time" award because it deserves it. Absolutely deserves it.