It was a cold, dark December evening. Upon finishing playing a round of casual and wishing my team a good night I decided to go to sleep early. I was laying in my bed and thinking of all the cool strats I couldn't possibly pull off with my current operators when suddenly the room went dark. Grimm, infernal shadows stretched throughout the walls of my bedroom. Soul crushing, muffled screams of thousand burning souls have echoed throughout my apartment. A menacing figure with horns, hoofs and a horrifying black beard peaked from behind the darkest corner of the room and pierced me with it's red eyes. "RAINBOW SIX® SIEGE SERVER CONNECTION ERROR..." - roared the beast as he was mounting a miniature transparent shield on his rifle. I tried to run but all I could do was to get up and freeze, bound by primal fear and paranormal terror. That moment I knew this was the end. There was no hope. All was lost.

Sudenlly, a single beam of light has pierced the ceiling, the darkness and my whole existence. Bearded demon hissed in desperation upon hearing HIS warm, angelic voice. "LMG mounted and loaded!" - said angel calmly as he gracefully materialized behind me. He put his hand on my shoulder and all of a sudden I knew I was safe in his presence. I looked at him. Behind the bulky mask his eyes were sparkling with power of thousand suns and mysteries of billion galaxies. The rest of his face was hidden but I could feel he was smiling. He was glowing with kindness and righteousness. His snow-white wings were gently fluttering. At that moment I knew he was absolutely everything that is good in this world.

Black-bearded hell spawn screeched loathingly. He aimed his develish half-shield-half-rifle at the Lord and released a swarm of deadly lead. To my surprise bullets didn't reach my heavenly savior. Instead, they slapped against the angels shining LMG shileld, like a family-sized flock of half-used male contraception. I was shocked by such a manifestation of a sheer holy power and didn't notice at first - one of imp's diabolical projectiles diverted from it's course due to unholy potato-aiming and in the most unexpected twist of blind fate - hit me right in the chest.

The evil one cracked up in menacing laughter, but not for long. Lord's eyes flashed with righteous fury. He aimed his mighty LMG right between his foes eyes and shot only once. Devil's shield shattered like a snowflakey teenager's dream of equality between all 97 genders. "Rely on your senses, not your tech..." - said demigod and squeezed the trigger once more, effectively blasting brute's atoms out of existance with what seemed like an endless barrage of bullets.

Burning, excruciating pain knocked me off my feet. Blood rushed on the floor. As I was falling down, both on the floor and into eternal abyss, I felt his strong, firm arms catching me midway. Life was slipping out of me a little too fast, but I had no fear. I knew that witnessing Lord Chanka in his true, raw, rightfully buffed nature would bring me peace in afterlife. I felt complete. I was ready...

"...on your feet..."

I stopped sinking into endless nothing. What was that mysterious force, denying me my own death?


"...ON YOUR FEET!.."

I started reemerging from abyss. It was him. HIM! It no longer felt like he was denying me my death. Rather he was denying me to the Death itself. He held me in his arms. His tears rolled from underneath his mask and on my chest, magically sealing and healing my wound. His hands smelled of gun oil, exotic flowers and dust from distant stars.

"STAY WITH ME, БРАТУХА!!!"

My mind exploded with the will to live, fight, create and experience everything this life still had to offer. I knew I'm only one small step away from breaching the backdoor of the Realm of Living. I just had to open my eyes. At least a little...so close now...

I opened my eyes and immediately woke up.

It was all a dream...ridiculous, vivid, mildly homoerotic dream...

...unless it wasn't? That...no, that's impossible....

That's when I noticed few things have changed.

First of all, all the walls in my bedroom were masterfully reinforced. Gone were my wall-mounted TV, couple dozen framed pictures of Ryan Reynolds and a shelf full of cat figurines. Instead, cold thick layer of metal was now protecting me from almost any kind of danger the outside world could throw at me.

Second, my meatcicle felt unnaturally large and was throbbing with utter excitement. It grew in size by whooping 37cm in length and 7cm in diameter (that is 14.5 and 2.75 inches, if you are from Liberia). It looked monstrous, but ... in a good way. Basically, my "precision tool" has turned into a full blown "industrial-grade power drilling station".

But most importantly, my PC was on. Steam was indicating, that transaction was complete and I was now a happy owner of Year 2 Pass. I could now save a whole lot of renown on unlocks, get some new cool skins and cosmetic non-sence and, most importantly, help Lord T. on his holy mission of blasting away all the small unbalancies and connectivity issues out of RSS.

I couldn't hold back the tears of joy. I wept and laughed, like a baby tripping ballz on sharpie fumes.
I was now a believer!

I had a dream. And now that dream is a reality.

Blessed be our Lord Tachanka, Defender of the Light, Master of the Reinforcement, Mounter of the Great LMG!
Blessed be he, who protects us from the Bearded Devil!
Blessed be the Savior!