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Turned out the answer was to make sure Visual C++ 2017 redistributables were installed, force DirectX 11 instead of Vulkan, and use the latest release from GloriousEggroll.
I couldn't have done it without all your valuable insight. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you most.
++rep
+rep
.....| ノ ヽ../⌒)
... /⌒) (゚) (゚) | .| ▂ ▪ ▂▄▅▆▇■▀▀〓◣▬ ▪ ■ … .
.../ / ( _●_) ミ/ .▂▅■▀ ▪ ■ ▂¨ ∵▃ ▪ ・
.( ヽ |∪| / ◢▇█▀ ¨▂▄▅▆▇██■■〓◥◣▄
....\ ヽノ / ■ ▂▅██▅▆▇██■〓▀▀ ◥◣ ∴ ▪ .
...../ / ▅▇███████▀ ▪ ∴ ….▅ ■ ◥◣
....| _つ◥▅▆▇████████▆▃▂ ▪ ■▂▄▃▄▂
....| /ω\ \ ■ ¨ ▀▀▀■▀▀▀ ▪ ■ ∴‥
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.....∪ ( \
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♥♥♥♥ MACI GONDOLT EGYETT ,ÉS LEMATYIZTA A PROFILOD. Küld tovább ezt annak akit szeretnél ,h pedomaci szétmatyizzon!
˛. (´• ̮•)*˛°*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____. * ˛*
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬ .
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*° Merry Christmas!
•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•
ℳerry ℭhristmas & ℋappy ℋolidays
•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•
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... ... ...\ : : : : : : : : : '\: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :/: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : /"
... ... .....\ : : : : : : : : : \: : : : : : : : : : : : : ,-“: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :/
Ay, thou hast been caught gazing upon the cursed ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of promiscuity and whoremongering!
Woe unto the sinful man who sees these breasts, they shall wrought destruction and plague upon your blasphemous name.
I always knew that thou wast a bastard whoreson, prepare to be dispatched the coming morrow by firebrand; knave!
Anyone can be a friend of mine, as long as he is honest and credible, but we may be a little difficult to communicate... [language barrier] so I have to use Baidu translation.