The Church of Scientology WANTS YOU!

Hi future scientologists, my name is Tom Cruise.

I, along with other fellow scientologists want you to join and believe in our stupid ♥♥♥♥, which in reality is just a cult; we want to take over the globe.

Why our religion? Well, obviously ours is 100% accurate.

Who wouldn't believe that millions of years ago, an intergalactic overlord named Xenu (yes, you read that correctly), sent 'souls' or 'thetans', as they call it into our volcanoes...then set H-bombs off in the volcanoes...and now all of our troubles are to be blamed on the residual body thetans that hang around in us today...(yes, you still read that correctly). We also believe that psychiatry is BS, and they can solve all of the so-called psychiatric problems with vitamins and exercise. This is why we do the 'auditing' process to clear you of these problems...and all of this costs you a lot of money.

You heard it people, bombs went off in our volcanoes and humanity was ♥♥♥♥ out.

Here's a list of some well known celebrities that have committed themselves to the forever gratifying sanctuary that is scientology:

Snorlax - AKA Kirstie Allie
Myself, Tom Cruise
The Bisexual - AKA John Travolta

3 people is a start, but we require MORE. Join now!

PS: If you stop believing our bullcrap, we'll just put you into a "rehibilitation clinic" AKA prison. kthxbai.

PPS: I just got divorced. ♥♥♥♥.