Hey folks, first off there's some housekeeping to do and this will be a long post so please bare with me.

First thing's first, I want to send a HUGE shout out to EVERYONE involved in the Charity Streaming Marathon, £1500 reached and still going strong, it truly is the best show of humanity. You can still donate by visiting https://www.justgiving.com/twitchcharity .

Secondly, emotions are running pretty high for me right now so please forgive me if I insult anyone. It is not intentional.

Thirdly, I need each and every one of you to understand that this is NOT a cry for help. This is just an update.

So, what's going on?

Well as I'm sure many of you are aware, I was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer mid - late last year and have been receiving treatment for it ever since. Last week however, my latest scans came back clean so I was officially announced as "In Remission". For those unaware, there is no such thing as "All Clear" when it comes to cancer, one of the worst things about the disease. As a result of this ongoing treatment, which has taken over most of my life, I have been unable to work and have been reduced to living off benefits. I'm sure I don't need to tell folks how hard that is to budget for. Thankfully I had generous friends and family and have been able to push through.

However, as a matter of principle, I hate being a "Freeloader" and the Cancer Research Charity Marathon was my way of paying back for all the support I've received so far. The feeling of helplessness however, never truly goes away.

Recently, I learned some surprising details about a few friends of mine which, I will not go into here out of respect for their privacy. But, with my emotions running as high as they are right now, I managed to sabotage my relationships with these people, possibly irrevocably.

The point is, I've had a pretty rough 10 years. Those who know me in person will know the details of the rest but it's too painful to relive right now. After all this time, the bottled up feelings and thoughts, take their toll. As such, over the past couple of weeks, I've become increasingly secluded and withdrawn which has left me feeling even more isolated. So much so that I've lashed out at people i genuinely care about and for that, I'm sorry.

It does not end there however, with this dark cloud hanging over me, my thoughts have become increasingly volatile and a deep feeling of self loathing has started to settle in along with some rather disturbing thoughts about "What if I weren't around?". I need to seek help and I plan to.

As such, to prevent myself from harming others (or myself) I have confined myself to my own life until these issues can be addressed.

Let me re-iterate that this was not triggered by any one thing or person, but rather the culmination of all things, and that this is NOT a plea for help, just an acknowledgment that I need to seek it.

So this means, no more streams for a while as I'll only lash out at people, I don't want to be that guy. Very little if any interaction with my friends / followers. And just generally less of me everywhere.

I love all my friends, my family and especially, my adopted twitch family but I can't do this anymore for a while.

Thank you for reading and I hope I return soon with better news.

PS If you're going through similar things or having similar thoughts, DON'T keep them to yourself. Seek help.