Listen up you sniveling pig-dogs! If you want to learn how to insult like I do then you'll need the know how to do it! Sure you could play the tutorial, but that foolish gymnist won't tell you absolutely everything. There's also no substitute for experience, as long as you're ok with every single pathetic failure showing on your record for all eternity! If you're too spineless to accept failure then pay attention to my lessons. You're going to need them if you plan on not losing!

The first thing you need to know is how to structure an insult. This lesson and the terms it introduces is very important in understanding the rest of it so pay close attention. If you have trouble understanding this section, then I recommend first attending the tutorial as well as 3rd grade English.

Before you learn how to create a more insulting insult than your opponent, you should know how to create an insult at all! In order to do so, you will need to combine a random assortment of components from a central list of 9 and a private, reloadable hand of 2 (more on that later). These components can be split into 6 categories:

• Nouns are terms that refer to one or more people, places, or objects. They must always be used as the subject of an insult (i.e. placed at the start)
  
• Verbs describe actions taken by a noun. In the context of this guide, they are used to compare nouns to one another and must have a noun on either side of it.
  
• Adjectives are standalone terms that directly describe a noun. They must immediately follow the noun they are describing in the insult.
  
• Exclamations are extra little tags that give insults a strong conclusion. They are identified by exclamation marks and immediately cancel input into your insult upon selection.
  
• The word and is effectively used to extend your insult further than it otherwise could go. You can use it to add extra components to your insult.
  
• Continuations are emergency options represented by an elipses (...) that lets you keep the insult you are building on the next turn. This is not recommended though, because you will deal no damage to your opponent until the next turn and your opponent can discard your insult when you do this by using a "rude" insult of 15 points or more. It can be good to expand your options on the next turn though, if you're absolutely certain that your opponent's insult is not "rude" this turn.

Here is an example to help understand these categories:

A hamster(N) doesn't like(V) you(N) and farts in your general direction(A), and I have proof!(E)

This example serves as the most common structure you are likely to use, but verbs and adjectives are not fussy about their order in the insult and can be used either way around, so long as a noun is used to follow the verb. e.g.:

A hamster farts in your general direction(A) and doesn't like(V) you!

You can also use as many nouns, verbs, or adjectives in your insult as you like as long as you use the correct syntax and have enough "and"s to join them together. Utilising "and" is the key to success. If you have an "and", you can put a second noun immediately after another noun to refer to 2 things at once. e.g.:

Your wife and your cousin's car are silly!
A lumberjack admires pictures of you and your hovercraft!

The same can be done for extra verbs and adjectives, as in the first examples. If you're particularly lucky with the draw, you can even use one "and" to add a second insult onto your first one! e.g.:

You smell of a leaper gnome and your mother was a murloc! (Note: Neither of those nouns are in the game. Only true evil hecklers will get it)

You'll be able to use that kind of structure to make your insult as long as you like if you can, but be careful when picking between components. Trying to put a component in a place it doesn't fit (i.e. putting 2 nouns together without using "and") will deal 3 points of damage to yourself and end your turn. And ending your insult when it is incomplete without a continuation will add an "ehh... uh..." to the end of it, making it worth 0. A beginners tip to avoiding this is, if it sounds like a proper sentence, it's probably fine.

As mentioned in the first lesson, you have a private hand that contains 2 insult components. These can be replaced by drinking your tea, which can only be done once per insult. In order to maximise the potential of your insults, you must always drink your tea before the end of your insult. It is recommended that you try and use as much of your hand as you can before you do though, because both components will be replaced even if they are not empty. It's also advised that you use up as much of the central list first before your opponent can use them.

A rule of thumb to consider before drinking is not to start what you may not be able to finish. If you have finished with a verb or "and", and your second hand does not give you the type of components you need to finish it off, then you'll have made your insult completely worthless. It is preferable only to drink once you have used as many components as you can and have a complete insult ready/have a continuation available.

I have yet to work out the algorithm this game uses to work out exactly how much an insult is worth, but there are ways that you can ensure that it turns out to be rude. One way to do this is with combos, which are achieved when you use the same noun in 2 or more insults in a row. Remember, this only works with nouns. The same verb, adjective, or exclamation will not grant any bonus points when used in a row. So say for instance you make the following insult:

Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!

Then "your mother", "a hamster", "your father", and "elderberries" would give a combo multiplier when used in your next insult. If that insult turns out to be something along the lines of:

Your mother was born in your hovercraft and is a lumberjack!

Then you would get the bonus from "your mother" and would get an even bigger bonus if you used "your mother" again, or the same bonus if you used "your hovercraft" or "a lumberjack" instead.

But even more important to remember is to familiarise yourself with the playable characters in the game. These characters are not just a statement of your personal preference with unique components in their hands, but also your own personalised handicap. Each character has a unique set of components in the game that will grant their opponents a bonus if used against them. For this reason, it is just as important to know your own weakness as it is to know your opponent's. Know your opponent so that you can gain the bonus yourself, and know yourself to take your weakness components away from your opponent. To help familiarise you, here is the character list with their details:

Sir Knight is old but he's not concerned about his age, but instead about the new things that came after his age. This means that referencing anything modern will grant the bonus against him, most often specific franchises or products.

examples:
never watched starwars (Adjective)
still uses windows vista (Adjective)
can be found in Pokemon Go (Adjective)



Do you like his suit and hat? No? Tell him that! He's very sensitive about his clothes, so style and clothing will be more effective things to insult with him.

examples
your hat (Noun)
a cheap suit (Noun)
your sense of style (Noun)




Unlike Sir Knight, Maggie knows that her age is catching up to her (probably because she's older). She knows she's old, she knows she's gonna die, and if you mention either of those points she will be particularly unhappy.

examples
is old (Adjective)
is deceased (Adjective)
will soon kick the bucket (Adjective)



This guy doesn't even know he's being racist. He doesn't like when you mention Russia, and also doesn't like when you mention where anything comes from. So do that and you'll get rude points for sure.

examples
Stalin's jockstrap (Noun)
your country (Noun)
was born in (Verb)



Just like Shufflebottom, Nigel is concerned about appearances, but for different reasons. Aparantly he was beautiful once, but not anymore. Telling him that his body and its parts are ugly will agitate him enough to be really rude.

examples
your face (Noun)
has worse hair than (Verb)
is getting fat (Adjective)


In spite of having a cool outfit and a sharp looking sword, he may not be as strong as he appears. You can tell because it really riles him up when you imply weakness and inferiority. So just pretend you're threatening to take his life and he'll probably be hurt.

examples
A frightened schoolboy (Noun)
was defeated by (Verb)
sucks at Overwatch (Adjective)


We all remember this guy. He was a riot when the original Xbox came out but really he just likes to joke around rather than actually being serious. That's why he's here, to joke and have a laugh. So when you decide to bring up something a bit too serious he gets a little upset.

examples
The Nazis (Noun)
tells dirty jokes at funerals (Adjective)
is deceased (Adjective)


At a glance of Albert's manerisms, you'd think that he shared a weakness with Grisha. That is not the case. His true weakness is his money, or lack thereof. Whether or not Albert is actually a wealthy man is yet to be seen, but if you tell him he isn't then it would certainly make for a rude insult to him.

examples
you commoner! (Exclamation)
homeless man's socks (Noun)
is worthless (Adjective)

As evil and tenticley as he may appear, Mr Lovecraft is just a fantasy writer with an interest in the eldrich and eccentric. To bring him down, you need to bring him back to reality by reminding him how the real world works. Anything that is plain or boring, or otherwise not fantastical, will usually set off this trigger.

examples
this conversation (Noun)
is rather plain (Adjective)
an ordinary pigsty (Noun)

I'm not even too sure who this guy really is and don't really care to look it up, but he seems like a guy who's done some nasty stuff. He probably has, because pretty much anything you say that he might have done which is bad turns out to be effectively upsetting to him.

examples
farted on (Verb)
is vile (Adjective)
goes around murdering people (Adjective)


Built to be the final boss of the game, Father is the only character that actually has an added benefit to playing, as he has more health than any of the others. It's not a sure victory though because his weakness is his family, which I guarantee will come up a lot more often than any other character's weakness, giving his opponents more opportunities to get the bonus.

examples
your father/mother/wife (Noun)
your son/sister (Noun)
your beloved auntie (Noun)

By now you should be completely caught up with everything the tutorial taught you and a bit extra, and will be ready to insult an ordinary pigsty. However, your opponent is not going to be an ordinary pigsty at the best of times (even if you call them one), and they're not going to go easy on you. This next lesson then is what seperates the protagonists from the pansies!

At the beginning of an insult you have a wide list of components to choose from. But as long as your opponent is still taking turns with you, you'll only be able to use half of what you see in a worst case scenario. This means you have to carefully watch what your opponent is doing and determine what kind of components they need to complete their insult so that you can adjust your own strategy. Keeping what you learned in lesson 1 in mind is particularly important for this, as you'll be able use that knowledge to rob your opponent of components they need and recognise which components will inevitably become unavailable before you can use them.
For example, let's imagine that your opponent is starting an insult with the following list of components in the center:

• was defeated by (Verb)
  
• is not a part of Europe (Adjective)
  
• a frightened schoolboy (Noun)
  
• this conversation (Noun)
  
• and
  
• still uses Windows Vista (Adjective)
  
• your cousin's car (Noun)
  
• doesn't like (Verb)
  
• (...)

Naturally, each player will be taking one of the nouns from the list, leaving one left. Let's say that the next thing that your opponent takes is one of the verbs. The next thing they're going to want to add to their insult is the final noun in the list, meaning that trying to use the remaining verb or the "and" would be a bad idea unless you have a backup noun in your hand you would like to use. In this case it would be wiser to use one of the adjectives in the list instead because they don't require extra nouns to work. This way you'll also be able to pick up the "and" on the turn after before your opponent gets a chance. If your opponent had gone with an adjective as their second component instead, their options would be rather limited and they would have to go for the "and" to extend their insult any further. You can use this knowledge to your advantage and take the "and" before they do, allowing you to add a second noun as your insult's subject and forcing them to access their private hand or end their insult with only 2 components. Counter-picking your opponent in this way is easier when going second, but you need to be sure to keep an eye out at all times to ensure that they don't rob you of the components you absolutely need.

This is equally important for blocking your opponent's combos and your weaknesses. Blocking weaknesses is as easy as prioritising certain components over others, while blocking combos requires you to pay close attention to your opponent. This takes priority over doing the combos and weaknesses yourself, but if you play things right (and your opponent plays things wrong) then you might be lucky enough to do both!
Using the above list again as an example, let's imagine that you're playing as Lo Wang against a Sir Knight and going first. Let's also imagine that you used "your cousin's car" in your previous insult, so you'll probably be tempted to use it as your first component. However, Wang's weakness is weakness itself, a trait embodied by the "a frightened schoolboy" component, so the first thing you'll want to do is take that as your first noun instead. If your opponent is smart, they'll use "your cousin's car" immediately after, but it's more important to protect yourself than it is to hurt them. Your second turn will be taken in the same vein, preventing your opponent's bonus by using your own weakness ("was defeated by") instead of theirs ("still uses Windows Vista"). If you're lucky, you'll be able to get the bonus you're after later on in the same insult.

If your opponent does happen to catch you out, you'll have to use the components in your hand. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as some pretty good components can show up in your hand, and you get the comfort of knowing that your opponent can't use them. Sometimes it's actually preferable to using the components in the list, such as when a chance for a combo or weakness comes up. Just remember that the only time you want to be drinking your tea to replace it is if you're completely stuck and your current hand can't help you. The exception to this being if your opponent has already ended their insult and you have an "and" in your hand, then you may want to use that "and" before using any "and"s in the center so that you can drink your tea before deciding if you want to extend any further.

Here's a bonus fun fact: You can remove components that your opponent will need from the list even if it doesn't currently fit in your own insult. You can try it if you're feeling reckless, but it deals 3 damage to yourself and they'll probably have a backup in their hand anyway so I personally wouldn't.

Remember that at the end of the day, we're all just trying to have fun. All insults you create are directed towards your opponent's virtual persona, but the biggest insult of all is to disconnect from a match before you can lose. In the event that your opponent proves superior to you, take it like a man and allow your better to have the win, they have earned it after all! Of course, this isn't a problem if you don't lose. If you really don't want one more loss showing on your record for all to see, DON'T LOSE!!

There are a lot of situations that can come up in this game, I can't provide examples and suggestions for every last one or else this guide would get too long. Like I said in the beginning, there's no better teacher than experience. If you're still not confident in your abilities, run through tournament mode a few times to give yourself some experience and unlock some goodies along the way.

That concludes this evil heckler's guide to heckling! I hope it is to your liking and that you were able to learn something from it. If you think I got something wrong, let me know so I can update it. And for those of you who think this guide is useless, please refer to lesson 5 before commenting. And so, my now learned interlocutors, I shall look forward to insulting you soon and hope you present me a challenge when I do. In fact, I think I'll start right now!

Your father and your mother were born in an ordinary pigsty and had a steaming romp with the Nazis and the communists, and you can't deny it!